Idols of Sex

Ever since I was a teenager and understood the purpose of sex in marriage I held it in high regard. I believed it was a gift and something that I only wanted to share with the man I married one day. After going to a True Love Waits seminar which encouraged teens to save sex until marriage, I signed and dated a card vowing to do so. That card stayed on my mirror for a very long time, and I was determined to keep my promise.

I dreamed of my wedding night and how excited I would be to come out to my husband dressed in beautiful lingerie, to be swept up in passion we had saved for each other discovering each other’s bodies for the first time.

After meeting my husband and dating him I quickly realized how challenging my promise would be. I was very disciplined and firm on no sex, but the way the chemistry lit up between us, many kissing sessions had to be cut short or controlled to help our raging hormones.

On June 28th 2003 I wore white and walked down the isle. We had made it! I was thrilled to share my gift of sex with him. For him to see me naked and unashamed because I was his and he was mine. Since I had waited for so long, I was eager and hyped to fully embrace and jump into this previous taboo practice. We had sex for the first time our wedding night. The next day we drove to our honeymoon vacation at a State Park. That night he was tired from the drive and wanted to sleep. I fell apart emotionally because I was afraid he didn’t like my sex. He held me and assured me it had nothing to do with that, and we made up for it the next morning. But that was the beginning of some of my wrong feelings and expectations of sex.

Sex was security for me. I felt loved, wanted, and the center of his attention if we had sex. The first part of our sexual relationship in marriage was difficult for me because  our drives were different. I wanted sex more than he did. He had a very physically demanding job which took lots of energy from him. However a few years in, with a shift in jobs and having kids made us equal in our desires.

Also the art of love making and pleasure took time. I was always thankful for being the first to be with each other in the act of sex. We learned together and developed skill and mastery. I believe it was my pastor who once said that sex could be compared to the playing of an instrument. When you stay with one partner you learn to pleasure and master that art with them just as you could consistently invest in one instrument and play it well.

I felt a security in us being the only ones who shared sex together, knowing we couldn’t compare each other with anyone else, and knew each other so intimately. I truly believed that if I had enough sex with my husband he would never cheat. Now, there is wisdom in regularly having sex with your spouse and not withholding that from them, because doing so can certainly cause them to be more susceptible to sexual temptation. However that was a belief I had that gave me a feeling of being in control.

I got angry when he didn’t want sex when I did. Right there is an indication of an idol. If we get angry when we can’t have something or we sin to get what we want, we are probably looking at an idol. When I didn’t get it I got mad, I manipulated with emotional breakdowns. My husband wasn’t depriving me I just didn’t always get it in the frequency or style I wanted. In many ways there was a pressure on him to perform to my expectations. My husband was a good lover. I just selfishly wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it.

Because of my belief that having enough sex with him would make him happy and keep him faithful, I was disillusioned over the affair. The sacredness of our own secret intimacy shared only between us shattered. My dream of always being the only one was crushed. I felt robbed of the years I spent saving myself for just him. My gift thrown in the trash. 

Some women are more hurt by the emotional part of the affair, and the emotional intimacy the spouse shared with the other woman. For me it was the sex. That was the most devastating because of the high pedestal I had it upon. Understandably sex is like super glue that bonds two people together, and if you try to pull it apart it will rip and tear. There is no way to avoid damage.

Though the betrayal was painful, there were still lessons and sins on my own part in this sexual arena to come to grips with. Rather than look to God to fill me and be my security, I sought sex. Rather than love my husband and let sex be mutually beneficial and bonding I wanted it on my own terms. I looked to my husband to fill all my expectations rather than be a selfless lover to him.

A little over a month after the confession I was reading Isaiah 48:10.

“I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering. I will rescue you for my sake! I will not let my reputation be tarnished, and I will not share my glory with idols!”

This really convicted me. I could identify with the fact that I was being refined by suffering through the heartache and loss. But I took to heart the fact that my idolatry had placed our sex life above God. I believed that if we could get our sex life right I’d be happy. Sex is God’s design, it is a gift and is for our enjoyment, but lasting joy and true happiness and contentment does not come from a successful sex life. It comes from knowing we are loved by God. By letting Him be first in our lives, otherwise whatever we put in place of Him will still eventually let us down and leave us empty.

If you are struggling in your sex life because of an affair I strongly urge you to get godly professional counseling. There are many emotions involved and trust has been broken which can make it difficult to be vulnerable with your spouse in a sexual way. One of the questions I asked my friend who had also gone through an affair, was how long did she wait to have sex again after finding out. She said that since she felt God wanted her to fight for her marriage and she had already decided to stay they had sex shortly afterwards. For me as well there was a handful of days I refrained because I thought it would be too emotionally painful for me. Something though I was not expecting was the burst of passion and freedom in renewing our sexual intimacy. A big part of that was the honesty that now was between us. The distance I kept feeling from him and lack of passion was the terrible secret he kept. The freedom of the truth between us enabled us to bond in a deeper way with no more secrets between us. It will take time to heal emotionally and sexually. Keep trying if you have chosen to stay, and pray specifically for your sex life. God created it and He cares about that too. We continue in the journey as well. But I pray that God will heal and grow this area of our marriage and yours as well.